Why Didn't I Think of That? Read online

  The first people to turn the adhesive into the duct tape we know and love today were the sticky-fingered hotshots in the Johnson and Johnson Permacel Division in 1942. While duct tape’s original use was to keep moisture out of ammunition cases during World War II, military personnel found it to be a quick fix for just about any problem. Soldiers used it on everything from their artillery to their vehicles

  After the war ended, the decision was made to change the tape’s color from Army green to civilian silver since it was intended for use on metal ducts. Although, just as soldiers did during the war, people found that its strength, versatility, and durability made it useful for all sorts of things throughout the home.

  Today, duct tape is one of the most widely sold adhesive products in the world and remains an essential part of any home tool kit.

  DID YOU

  KNOW?

  While the guillotine is probably best known for its use during France’s Reign of Terror (when it was used on King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette), the machine was also employed during World War II. According to the A&E television program Modern Marvels: Death Devices, the Nazis used the guillotine on 16,500 people in Germany and Austria between 1933 and 1945.

  7 GUILLOTINE

  TAGLINE: Head severing device

  PREDECESSOR: Hanging, stoning, bludgeoning, drowning, pummeling, hacking . . .

  LESSON: If you want ’em dead, find a tidy way to behead.

  Gruesome? Sure. But the cold hard fact is: Humans have been trying to find simple, efficient ways to execute one another since before recorded time. And a lot of recorded times it didn’t go so well.

  Hanging was the most popular form of execution and definitely no picnic. To note just one of many examples, witnesses received quite a surprise at the 1906 execution of William Williamson. When the trap door swung open, William fell all the way to the ground and landed on his feet. (Seems his executioner was a little tipsy.) Can you imagine that? You’re waiting to have your neck snapped and you land on your feet. Whew! That’s a Get Out of Jail Free card, right? Wrong. Three deputies, standing on the scaffold, seized the rope and forcibly pulled William off the floor for fourteen and a half minutes until the coroner pronounced him dead from strangulation. Now, that is a bad day.

  Axe for a Better Way to Go?

  In 1541, it took three strokes of an axe to sever the head of Margaret, Countess of Salisbury. Trees have been brought down quicker than that.

  Countless instances of human error in legally snuffing people out, led Tobias Schmidt, a German engineer, to let gravity and a blade do the work when he invented the guillotine in the eighteenth century.

  DID YOU

  KNOW?

  You can perform the Heimlich maneuver on yourself. Make a fist and place it just above your belly button and then thrust it into your abdomen using your other hand; or, you can set yourself against the edge of a table, counter, or back of a chair (again, just above your belly button) and then thrust yourself into it.

  8 THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER

  TAGLINE: Squeezing bits of food out of embarrassed diners

  PREDECESSOR: Inadvertently jamming the foreign object further down people’s throats by pounding on their backs

  LESSON: Eating and breathing don’t jibe very well.

  Ronald Reagan

  Cher

  Dick Vitale

  Halle Berry

  What do these people have in common? They’ve all allegedly been saved from choking by one Henry Heimlich, MD, who introduced the procedure in 1974.

  While the footage would make fascinating YouTube fodder, these famous folks aren’t the only people who’ve inadvertently sucked down hunks of food into their larynxes. Plenty of average people have managed to send their suppers down the wrong pipe, only to be saved by the Heimlich maneuver. It’s estimated that the Heimlich has saved more than 50,000 people. Why? Because people talk with their mouths full, that’s why! Listen to your mothers!

  The Heimlich has saved more than 50,000 people.

  So you know that the Heimlich works, but what about how it works? Well it’s as simple as a spitball. Have you ever launched a spitball across a room? Stop it. Of course you have. The spitball goes into the straw at one end then it’s shot across the room by blowing through the other. Like the spitball principle, the food goes down the choker’s windpipe and then is shot out when the squeezer grabs the choker from behind and applies pressure to the diaphragm with an abominable thrust. Simple as that.

  BY 1928, EPPERSON EARNED ROYALTIES ON MORE THAN 60,000,000 ICE POPS.

  9 POPSICLE

  TAGLINE: A sweet frozen treat predecessor: Juice

  LESSON: Freeze treats.

  How many times have you placed a warm drink in the freezer to cool it down only to forget about it and find it frozen solid hours later? An innocent and annoying mistake to you, a gold mine to one eleven-year-old Frank Epperson. In 1905, he left his beverage outside overnight on the porch of his Oakland, California, home. It froze and the stick he had used to stir it stuck in place. So did the idea. He named it the Epperson icicle, which of course didn’t stick.

  “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.”

  —HENRY DAVID THOREAU

  The following summer, he recreated the treats in his family’s fridge and sold them around town, under the shortened name: Epsicle. Epperson finally patented his treat in 1924 under the name Popsicle, which came from his children’s frequent requests for their Pop’s sickles.

  By 1928, Epperson had sold the rights to the name Popsicle and earned royalties on more than sixty million ice pops. That’s a pretty cool profit for accidentally leaving a drink on your back porch. Makes you wonder how much money some of your stupid mistakes could make you, doesn’t it?

  Today, popsicles are made and distributed by a number of different companies in a number of different shapes and flavors. However, the trademark Popsicle belongs to the Unilever corporation that distributes the flavored ice under the Popsicle brand name.

  OVER 1,200 PATENTS HAVE BEEN ISSUED FOR BREAST-SUPPORTING DEVICES.

  10 BRA

  TAGLINE: Over the shoulder boulder holders

  PREDECESSOR: Less support, but happier construction workers lesson: Create useful garments.

  Abbott and Costello, airbags, babaloos, bazoomas, Ben and Jerry, Bert and Ernie, blinkers, cans, cha-chas, chesticles, chumbawumbas, coconuts, gazon-gas, Holmes and Watson, honkers, hooters, jahoobies, jugs, knockers, melons, a pair, palookas, rack, shabba-dos, tatas, torpedoes, Tweedledee and Tweedle-dum, wahwahs, whimwhams, Winnebagos, wopbopaloobops, yahoos . . . call ’em what you want to call ’em, any way you swing ’em, they’ve been supported by bras since 2500 B.C.

  For centuries women have had a desire to enhance the shape of their bosom for mostly aesthetic reasons. Actually, I should probably put it this way: For centuries men have wanted to look at cleavage and women have obliged.

  The breast supporting philosophy changed slightly during the nineteenth century when women sought more comfortable underwear than the trussed and squeezed look of that day’s corset. You might say it was an upheaval. As new undergarment creations came on the market, patents were issued at a rapid rate. The U.S. government has granted 1,200 patents for bra-like inventions since the first “corset substitute” was issued in 1863. Being a “supporter of breasts” myself, I think that’s great.

  In 1893 Marie Tucek received a patent for what was literally called the “breast supporter.” It had two separate cups with straps over the shoulders and was fastened by a hook-and-eye closure in the back. Tucek’s patent remains the basis of the modern bra, yet unhooking it still baffles men to this day.

  THE MODERN CAN OPENER WAS PATENTED SIXTY YEARS AFTER CANNED FOOD. GOOD THING IT KEEPS, HUH?

  11 CAN OPENER

  TAGLINE: A quick fix when you want to fix dinner quick

  PREDECESSOR: Chisel and hammer

  LESSON: Think ahead.

  The invention of the can
opener is a story of thick metal and even thicker heads. You would think the creation of the can opener would time closely to the creation of canned food. You would think that . . . but you’d be wrong.

  Peter Durand patented the concept of canning food in 1810. And he used the British Navy to help test the longevity of the canned food’s edibility. Durand was all, “Check it out—food stays fresh” and the Navy was all “Cheerio then!” But it wasn’t until they were in the middle of the ocean that they were like, “Blimey! How in the bloody hell do we open these things?”*

  See, Durand figured out how to seal stuff in really well, but he didn’t really think through how to remove it. His cans’ instructions read: Cut round the top near the outer edge with a chisel and hammer. (I wonder if he even bothered to label the contents?)

  It took an American inventor to figure it out. (Score one for us Yanks.) Ezra Warner received a patent for his can opener in 1858. The invention resembled a bent bayonet, and was used by first puncturing the can with its point and then dragging it around the rim. A little more work than the one you have in your kitchen today.

  Our modern can opener (the one with the crank and wheel that does most of the work for us) wasn’t invented until 1870. It too was invented by an American, William Lyman. He made it possible for the novice to use the device, which led to mass consumption that, of course, led to one rich Mr. Lyman.

  So, the modern can opener was patented 60 years after canned food. Good thing it keeps, huh?

  * I’ve taken just a little artistic license in recounting how the Durand/Navy/ can-opener relationship went down.

  WHAM-O SOLD 25,000,000 HULA HOOPS IN THE FIRST FOUR MONTHS.

  12 HULA HOOP

  TAGLINE: An excuse to gyrate . . . well . . . another excuse to gyrate predecessor: Hula-ing . . . without the hoop

  LESSON: You don’t have to invent it to make millions from it.

  Think the Hula Hoop was a ’50s thing? Guess again. Only the marketing ploy came from that decade. In fact, people have been gyrating with circular hoops for some time now. The idea can be traced all the way back to ancient Egypt where children played with large rings of dried grapevines. (I swear. Check out Stephen Goode’s article, “Did Egyptians Know How to Do the Hula?”) And the first Hoop trend didn’t hit during the doo-wop era; it actually happened in fourteenth-century England. Doctors’ records from that period credit the craze as the cause of back pains and heart attacks.

  Even the term “hula hoop” wasn’t a ’50s original. That happened in the 1800s when British sailors were the first to attach “hula” to “hoop.” After visiting Hawaii, they noted the similarity between the natives’ hula dancing and their own gyrations. The natives subsequently slaughtered the sailors, but that’s a whole other story . . .

  The real innovation in this case isn’t the actual invention, but the recognition that the concept had sales potential. And this recognition came from where else but Wham-O—a California toy manufacturer that appears repeatedly throughout this book. Wham-O marketed the hell out of the Hoop; their marketers literally hit the pavement as they began holding Hula Hoop demonstrations at playgrounds throughout the country. Shortly after Wham-O’s campaign began in 1958, the concept caught on and spread—fast. Twenty-five million Hula Hoops flew off store shelves in the first four months alone.

  Like any fad, though, the Hula Hoop craze cooled. By the early ’60s kids were clamoring for the next big thing. However, that doesn’t mean the Hoop didn’t stick around. Even today, they’re still being used in backyards and playgrounds. Think about it: Who hasn’t Hula Hooped? So here’s to a creation that’s a big fat invitation for worldwide gyration.

  13 THE NECKTIE

  TAGLINE: Useless ribbons of fabric awkwardly fastened to men’s necks predecessor: Freedom

  LESSON: Where fashion is concerned, useless is priceless.

  Men are known even less for accessorizing than they are for their attention to detail. Incredibly this has not stopped us from fastening colored and often fancily patterned ribbons around our necks for the past 2,000 years.

  Throughout human history, men and women have adorned their bodies with neckwear. It all began way back when ancient Egyptian men would hang a rectangular piece of cloth around their shoulders as a symbol of social status.

  The use of the necktie evolved over the years and was often used as part of military uniforms. (Presumably to over accessorize the enemy into submission.) In the late eighteenth century, a looser version of the necktie known as a cravat was introduced into mainstream fashion by a group of young men called the Macaronis. These were young Englishmen who, upon returning from countries such as Italy—that’s where the “macaroni” part comes in—brought back new ideas for menswear and fashion.

  So we have those English lads to thank for coming to town a-riding on some ponies. Then, presumably, not satisfied with merely sticking feathers in their caps, tying scarves around their necks and calling themselves Macaronis.

  But if there is a single figure who most profited from the advancement of the necktie and is responsible for its modern look and use, we must fast forward to the 1920s when manufacturer Jesse Langsdorf created a “wrinkle free” tie which could be easily worn to the office by the increasing number of professional men. Thanks Jesse!

  Today millions of these strips of cloth are sold each year in the United States alone. Let’s not even get started on the clip-on . . .

  WHEN THE SCOTT PAPER COMPANY FIRST MANUFACTURED TOILET PAPER, IT DECLINED TO PUT ITS COMPANY NAME ANYWHERE ON THE PRODUCT’S PACKAGING.

  14 PAPER TOWEL

  TAGLINE: Disposable absorbent cloth

  PREDECESSOR: Nondisposable absorbent cloth

  LESSON: Convenience is king.

  The paper towel! Perhaps the most wasteful household item in the history of mankind. Before this whole “save the earth” business got started, I would rip off a paper towel and throw it in the trash each time I walked by the roll for no reason whatsoever other than force of habit. Nevertheless it has made quite an impact over the years.

  The history of paper towels all starts with a railroad car full of toilet paper. You see, a trainload of toilet tissue was on its way out from the Scott Paper Company in 1907 when the company president received some unpleasant news. The paper in the railcar was too thick to be used as toilet paper. (I can’t make this stuff up . . . well, most of it, anyway.) Now, not to provide too much personal information, but I can use just about any thickness when the need arises. So I don’t know what kind of alarmist gave the chief that call. But anyway, the president had a plan.

  Determined to prevent this thickness issue from hurting his bottom line, he instructed his people to cut the too-thick tissue into larger sections for non–ass related wiping. And thus the Scott Sani-Towel was born, marketed as a more hygienic alternative to the germ-filled cloth rags people were using to clean their kitchens. You’d think they’d fly off the shelves, but it seems people back then weren’t too concerned about spreading salmonella all over their countertops. It wasn’t until 1931 when the perforated version we know and love today was introduced that people started paying attention to the product.

  15 CABBAGE PATCH KIDS

  TAGLINE: Creepy dolls with birth certificates

  PREDECESSOR: Undocumented, less creepy dolls

  LESSON: Apparently in the 1980s, kids really liked creepy dolls.

  It’s Christmastime 1983. Styx is confusing the nation by thanking “Mr. Roboto” in Japanese. Robert Wagner and his TV wife are stumbling upon at least one murder each week in Hart to Hart, and Ronald Reagan’s hair is perfect.

  Meanwhile in toy stores across the nation, grown men and women are scratching, biting, kicking, and cursing at one another in fierce competition over the Cabbage Patch Kids. Everyone had to have one under the Christmas tree for their kids. After all it was the 80s. Everybody had to have everything!

  The hoopla all started back in 1976 when Xavier Roberts invented the Little Person dolls
. They were the older brothers and sisters to the Cabbage Patch Kids. Just a teenager at the time, Roberts ran the Babyland General Hospital out of his home in Cleveland, Georgia. (Safe to assume Roberts didn’t play a whole lot of sports, don’t you think?) This was the place, creepily enough, where doll-lovers could “adopt” his Little Person offspring. Never referred to as dolls, Roberts’s “babies” were hand sewn and came with adoption papers. A little strange when you see it in writing . . . but the Coleco toy company saw something in Roberts’s invention. They bought the rights to the doll . . . sorry . . . Little Person line and started marketing them as Cabbage Patch Kids in 1983. And that’s when all hell broke loose.

  After a huge initial success (which included parents rioting in local toy stores), Coleco went bankrupt in 1988. Babyland General Hospital relocated to Hasbro and then again to Mattel in 1994. The rights to the baby-making factory were sold again in 2003 when Toys “R” Us took control of the brand. All these creepy little things wanted were homes, yet they were relocated more than real kids in today’s social services system.

  MORE THAN 100,000,000,000 BAND-AIDS HAVE BEEN SOLD.

  16 BAND - AID

  TAGLINE: A little piece of tape with some gauze stuck to it

  PREDECESSOR: Tiny wound overkill

  LESSON: Stop blood loss.

  We all know somebody who’s clumsy—banging into stuff, falling down a lot—the kind of person who scares the hell out of you when he handles a knife or, God forbid, does that leaning-back-in-a-chair thing.